Wednesday, October 3, 2012

This Heart of Mine

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at soccer practice chit chatting with two of the college girls who come hang out with me while I watch our oldest kick, dribble, sprint, and shoot.  One of the girls is going through some rough stuff and just has a lot of questions about God and life and how to get closer to God.

As we sat on the cool, green grass with the vibrant colors of fall all around, she said, "Mandy, what do you deal with…?"

Meaning, "Mandy, what is the sin issue that eats away at your core and pushes you further and further from the One who created you to give Him your everything?"

Maybe that's not what she meant, but that is what I heard.

And this has been the exact thought that haunts my mind lately.  In church a few weeks back, one of the Pastor's talked about exposing the darkness to let the Light in.  He challenged us to recognize the sin in our life…to confess, repent, and move forward.

That day I came up with a list of my struggles:  I want to be gentle in spirit like so many of my friends {envy}.  I want to be skinnier like a lot of those around me {envy}.  I want to be calm and rational and even-tempered {anger}.  I want to put others before me {selfish}.
I don't struggle with the physical sense of sin…I struggle with the internal, emotional kind that leaves me feeling unworthy, unkind.

So the answer I gave my sweet friend is {anger}.  The blood boiling, hot tempered kind that makes no sense.  I don't know where it comes from, I don't know how to make it go away.  The fact that a sweet little two year old "Dancer Princess" can have me shaking inside over nothing is ridiculous.  The way I walk in to my house and see that it is a pit and everything inside just start boiling is ridiculous.

The Lord has been working on this heart of mine something fiercely lately.  It's the refining process.  And He is draining me.  I don't like it when my heart is a mess.  I don't like it when I have to fix it…when He begins gently nudging me of the things inside it that aren't ok…that don't glorify Him…that don't use me to point others to my Jesus.  But in order for it to heal, it has to go through this process.  And I know that I will come out on the other side better than when we started this...